So much has changed so quickly in the last few days….
I lost My Love, he chose to end our troubled relationship in a heat of chaos, confusion, depression and self abuse. The last few weeks i had seen his mental state slipping slowly, first he lost his other girlfriend, and i tried to be there for him but my own anger at her/about her got in the way. Then he decided to not show up to work and quit/got fired from his job. I decided that it really wasn’t a big deal, he was better off not working there as having a mutual work environment wasn’t very good for us. I helped him cope with that loss and he seemed to start to turn around and get better.
Although I wasn’t getting better, my shell and anxiety had only been getting worse and worse. And i found myself hiding in my computer or hiding in apathy so many times. My love noticing this neglect became irate with me for being so detached and unable to connect to him. Which is understandable. He had been there for me through my darkest hours. And sadly his darkest hours came at a time when I could not crack my defensive shell and show him the love he needed.
In the heat of a mutually experienced panic attack, caused by a HUGE misunderstanding of reality on his part(he believes that something happened(not involving me at all but others) that isnt logically possible and goes against all other recounts of the events/reality. He rage quited and so did I. I was at my wits end and this was the final straw for my strength, I didnt want to lose him but if i had believed his unbelievable and unprovable story, I would have alienated myself from everyone I live with and possibly ended up homeless. There was no logical way any of the things he was “explaining” as evidence could have even occured, and since it all occured while i was not around, there was nothing i could do but gather information from others.
We separated on pretty harsh terms for the last few days, anger was all he could feel, and express since the breakup and sadness and apathy was all I could feel about it. Still managing to show love to my other partner, as this relationship dissolved is not difficult although it has taught me how big my heart is.
Today though, I am glad and i end this on a positive note. For me and my love talked today, we brought closure to the past and decided on a general method for the future, and even went so far as to hang out and have fun together, deciding that being friends and caring for each other from a distance is far healthier for us. Im still heartbroken that our love poisoned each other so much, but sometimes letting go takes love. And i think the space will allow us to avoid enountering each other when we are both closed off and unavailable, which is what became the problem when we lived together. So for now im glad for the great night I had and wish him the best on his journey, and came home to my bed and my friends, I think this will defintely be the start to an interesting chapter of my life.
Will.i.am. - Feelin’ Myself [GSnaps Cover/Remix]
This is SICK! Its awesome that i went to high school with really talented people! I Loved dancing with her in high school.
ASAAA and I have had a long running joke that if he manages to find another girl that catches his eye, I’d interrogate her to make sure she’s a perfect fit for him. Obviously she can’t be too pretty, too smart, or too clever; i don’t want to get jealous ;p
That said, at the…
I lose hope and faith a lot.
Day after day I watch as we struggle to reconnect
I feel my heartbreaking falling farther and farther from you.
I keep holding on, I can’t give up on you.
Because no matter how many time the candle dies,
No matter who’s hand snuffs the flame,
You always come back around and light it again.
last night i had a dream that lesbians were a massive source of energy and the government started paying me to make out with girls to generate power and that’s how gay marriage was legalized in north carolina